Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual for SNAPE
by twilightm00n
Summary: Your prayers have been answered! You are the proud recipient of your very own SNAPE unit! To make the most of this cynical Slytherin Potions professor who is quite fond of double crossings, please read the following instructions carefully.


**AN:** Ok yeah I got away from the Inuyasha Owner Manuals due to lack of inspiration and only a couple of reviewers that told me what they wanted for the next chapter. While I'm waiting for more answers I wrote this little dude as a gift fic for one of my friends. Hope you enjoy!

Btw for all those people who love Snape and think I'm treating him unfairly, I want you to know I love him too, in a sick villain type of way (yeah I know he's not an actual villain, just an anti-hero, but I think villain personifies him better.) Plus he's just so much fun to make fun of!

**_WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR THIS FIC UP TO BOOK SEVEN!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!_**

**Disclaimer:** This format does not belong to me but to Theresa Green. While I waited ages for the author to answer my request to use it, it still has not been answered so this disclaimer will have to do. I don't own Harry Potter either. Bother, bother bother!

**Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual for SNAPE**

_Your prayers have been answered! You are the proud recipient of your very own SNAPE unit! To make the most of this cynical Slytherin Potions professor who is quite fond of double crossings, please read the following instructions carefully._

**Technical Specifications:**

Name- SEVERUS SNAPE, nicknames including Snivellus, greasy git and the Half-Blood Prince.

Sex- Male

Age- 38

Height- 5'9

Weight- 186

Manufacturer- Slop N'Stuff

**Your SNAPE comes with the following accessories:**

-Black robes

-Huge black cloak

-Dragonhide boots

-Hickory and dragon heartstring wand. 13 inches, slippery.

-Sleaze-Easy's Slick Slime Shampoo

-Advanced Potions Kit (including the essence of hydrangea, a bezoar and boomslang skin).

-Omnioculars for peeping on LILY units

-_How to Create Your Own Curses in Potions Textbooks_ by Id Iot

Note: When you receive your SNAPE you may notice his striking resemblance to an overgrown bat. This is entirely normal. Your SNAPE is not damaged in any way.

**Programming:**

Although SNAPES are as a rule, sadistic slimy dunderheads with very strong prejudices, they are extremely useful in a myriad of situations.

**Oiler:** Due to an excess of body oils, bad skin type and questionable hygiene products, your SNAPE can grease just about anything. Happen to have a squeaky hinge? Simply have your SNAPE place his nose over the object and squeeze his nostrils. The excess grease will lubricate the hinge and stop that horrid screeching! Warning: Distance from the SNAPE is strongly recommended when he is squeezing his nose so as to not risk any splashing on your person.

**Spy:** SNAPES are extremely adept at acting and will flawlessly put up any façade (as long as it does not involve being cordial to HARRY, SIRIUS or JAMES units.) Note: If sent to report on VOLDEMORT units, SNAPE units have a very good chance of getting snuffed by NAGINI units.

**Chef: **Your SNAPE unit, being a potions master, can cook up just about anything as long as there are written instructions to follow. Any feast prepared by a SNAPE would put any house elf's to shame! Warning: SNAPE units are fond of utilizing any flobberworm or serpent bits in their dishes without prior consent by their owners. (See trouble shooting).

**Romance Brewer:** SNAPE units are able to conjure up any Love Potion in a jiffy, even Amortentia! True love awaits! Warning: Due to their generally nasty dispositions, SNAPE units will be more likely to poison Love Potions then to brew up proper ones. It also may be a result of their lackluster love lives.

**Your SNAPE unit also comes with a variety of modes:**

**Great Irritating Turd (default): **Also known as GIT for short, SNAPES have very bad manners in this mode and will work constantly to make other units' lives a misery. Detentions, humiliating insults, cleaning up of flobberworm guts, attempted expulsions and corporeal punishments are the norm for those student units unfortunate enough to cross the SNAPE. All units from a GRYFFINDOR manufacturer will be specifically targeted with preference to those from the special QUIDDITCH division.

**Double Agent:** In this mode SNAPES are incredibly tricky and act like dark wizards. Occlumency is constantly used by SNAPE units whenever in this mode to avoid detection by DEATHEATER LACKEYS and VOLDEMORT units. When in this mode a DUMBLEDORE unit is heavily advised to supervise the Double Agent SNAPE.

**Apoplectic Rage (locked):** This mode causes SNAPE units to temporarily lose their sanity and fire hexes at the object of their ire. Frothing at the mouth, bulging eyes and throbbing temples are common behaviors. Note: An area of 50 feet is advised for owners to maintain while a SNAPE unit is in this mode for their safety. (See FAQ for unlocking.)

**Alternative (locked): **SNAPE units become somewhat decent human beings (and borderline stalkers) in this mode. Only two units have the privilege to witness this astonishing change in personality- LILYS and DUMBLEDORES. SNAPES will forbid the use of the word "mudblood" in their presence and often lock themselves in their study for long periods of time to talk to their doe patronuses (See FAQ for unlocking.)

**Relations to Other Units:**

Being constantly degraded in his childhood for his poverty and hygiene habits, SNAPE has very few good relations amongst the other units.

**LILY POTTER:** SNAPE units are seriously infatuated with LILY units and loathe their husbands with every fiber of their being. They are particularly obsessed with the LILY'S characteristic green eyes. Although LILYS will at first come to be best friends with SNAPES, the SNAPE units will eventually go into GIT mode accidently and consequently ruin their friendship regardless of the SNAPE'S attempts to salvage it.

**DUMBLEDORE:** SNAPE units will turn to DUMBLEDORES to save LILY units from VOLDEMORTS, which backfires and results in SNAPES becoming spies. SNAPES respect DUMBLEDORES greatly (enough to kill DUMBLEDORES…literally.) On the other hand, DUMBLEDORES trust SNAPES enough to keep their silence for them and stand criticism from the other units for doing so.

**JAMES and SIRIUS:** Mutual loathing. The end.

**HARRY POTTER:** SNAPES outwardly (and probably inwardly too) despise HARRYS and only protect them for LILY'S sake. The hatred is mutual until HARRY learns of SNAPE'S circumstances and begins to respect him.

**Cleaning:** SNAPE units prefer to wash themselves and will Sectumsempra anyone who attempts to help him. Only copious amounts of the most stringent hair cleanser solution available will be able to get rid of the SNAPE'S natural grease (and then only for an hour at most).

**Feeding and Rest:** SNAPE units will only eat sour or bitter foods and dislikes anything remotely sweet. Manticore stew is a favorite. All SNAPE units are natural insomniacs and thus only sleep about 3 hours per day.

**Disposal:** Unfortunately, you may tire of finding oily spots all over your house and hearing rants about "those bloody Potters" from your SNAPE unit. In order to dispose of your SNAPE have a HARRY, HERMIONE and RON unit find all of the Horcrux accessories except the snake. The VOLDEMORT unit will then seek the Elder Wand accessory and believe he has to kill your SNAPE unit to master it. The remaining Horcrux accessory will then receive the honor of disposing of the SNAPE unit. Note: Refunds will not be given if you choose to dispose of your SNAPE unit.

**FAQ:**

Question: How do I stop my SNAPE from dripping oil over everything? He's ruining my clothes!

Answer: Unfortunately, the oil stains from your SNAPE unit are quite persistent and will not come out through normal cleaning spells or charms. In order to stop your SNAPE from being such a grimy scumbag large amounts of detergent (a muggle cleanser) is needed. The Sleaze-Easy's Slick Slime Shampoo must also be taken away from your SNAPE, which may result the SNAPE into shifting to Apoplectic Rage mode if unlocked.

Question: How do I unlock Apoplectic Rage mode? I want him to scare some GRYFFINDOR units!

Answer: Simply purchase a HARRY, SIRIUS, HERMIONE and BUCKBEAK unit and put them through the Prisoner of Azkaban Scenario (purchased separately). Once the SIRIUS unit escapes, your SNAPE will feel a fury he has never experienced before and go automatically into Apoplectic Rage mode. Warning: Too much time spent in Apoplectic Rage mode may seriously endanger your SNAPE unit from prolonged stress, yourself and any other nearby units.

Question: How do I get my SNAPE to create a Love Potion without poisoning me?

Answer: Have a LILY unit ask him to do it because anyone else will be in danger of getting death in a bottle. Be warned that this will make your SNAPE incredibly envious of whoever the Love Potion is for because the SNAPE will think the LILY likes them. If the recipient of the Love Potion mysteriously dies in a short while, your SNAPE unit probably did it no matter what he says otherwise.

Question: How do I unlock the Alternative mode? I can't handle my GIT mode SNAPE anymore!

Answer: Purchase a VOLDEMORT, LILY, JAMES, HARRY, and DUMBLEDORE unit. Have the VOLDEMORT kill off the LILY and JAMES unit on the SNAPE'S information. Overcome with grief for the consequences of his actions, your SNAPE will have a change of heart and confess it to the DUMBLEDORE unit. Note: Your HARRY and VOLDEMORT units will most likely get injured during this procedure and receive a two-way mind link type thing.

**Trouble Shooting:**

Problem: My SNAPE won't stop putting basilisk parts in my meals! He's already poisoned all the other units that he cooked for and my FAWKES is running out of tears!

Solution: Purchase some Basilisk Gummies from Honeydukes and give them to your SNAPE whenever he cooks. Believing that the snake parts are real, your SNAPE will be content with using them instead. Prepare for sugar-high units though.

Problem: My SNAPE has another face on the back of his head that smells like garlic. Is this normal?

Solution: No, no it's not. You have most likely gotten a QUIRREL unit instead. See the manufacturer for an exchange.

Problem: The SNAPE unit won't stop stalking my LILY and is supremely ticking off my JAMES unit. Make him stop!

Solution: Purchase a LILY plushie from the nearest retailer and give it to your SNAPE. His transfixion should shift to it instead of the real LILY unit. This will probably disturb any other units that see your SNAPE with his new plushie, however, particularly HARRYS.

Problem: I keep on purchasing LOCKHEART units, but my SNAPE won't stop Avada Kedavra-ing them!

Solution: And your problem is…

_With the proper guidance and care your SNAPE unit will turn out to be an unpopular jerkwad who has an unhealthy obsession with redheads and green eyes. His warranty is good for 10 years because of his uncanny ability to stay alive in the face of so much loathing. See our website for more information._


End file.
